More Jokes!

    • What kind of car do people drive in heaven? Christ-ler.
    • Why was the computer sick? It had a virus.
    • What do you call a camel with no humps? Humpfrey.
    • What kind of car does a farmer drive? A Cattle-Lac.
    • I was on TV once. But my Mom said I should get off before I break it.
    • Can February March? No, but April May.
    • What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no Eye Deer!!
    • How do you make a Kleenex dance. Put a little boogie in it.
    • Where do ghosts like to water ski? Lake Erie.
    • Why did the window go to the doctor? Because it had pains.
    • Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.
    • Don’t ever play hide and seek with mountains. They’re always peaking.
    • Conversation between Dad and Kid: KID: Dad, it is so cold in here! DAD: Go stand in a corner then. KID: Why? DAD: Because it’s 90-degrees.
    • What do you call somebody with no body and no nose. Nobody Knows.
    • Patient: Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places. Doctor: Well then don’t go to those places.
    • If Burger King married Dairy Queen, would they live in a White Castle?
    • Why are there no good roof jokes? Because they’re always over everyone’s heads.
    • What starts with an E and ends with and E but often only has one letter? An Envelope!
    • I farted in my wallet. Now I have gas money.
    • Son says: Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad days, No son have you seen my dad glasses.
    • What do you say when you see a monster holding fruit? That’s berry scary.
    • How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
    • Did you know the first french fries were not cooked in France. They were cooked in Greece.
    • Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
    • My wife is a soccer player. She’s a keeper.
    • How do all the oceans say hi to each other? They wave!
    • What do you call the oldest berries in the patch? elderberries.
    • Where do cows go for a good time? The Moo-vies.
    • How do you keep an elephant from Charging? Take away her credit card.
    • Where do sheep go to get their haircut? The baa-baa shop!
    • What is a pirate’s favourite letter? Arrrrrrrr!
    • What type of jam can’t be eaten? Traffic jam.
    • Why can’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
    • Why is a tree like a big dog? They both have a lot of bark.
    • What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
    • What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
    • What do you get when you bake 3.14159 blueberries? Blueberry pie.
    • What do you call a pirates chest filled with fruit? Berried treasure.
    • Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
    • Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
    • How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
    • Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
    • What is a pig’s favorite karate move? The pork chop.
    • What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.
    • What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open toad.
    • What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.
    • What do you call a rabbit that has fleas? Bugs bunny.
    • What do you call berries playing music together? A jam session.
    • What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-caff-inated.
    • What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
    • What animal should you never play cards with? A cheetah.
    • How do birds fly? They just wing it.
    • Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.
    • Why does a cow wear a bell around its neck? Because its horns don’t work.
    • How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
    • What did the spider do on the computer? Made a website.
    • What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bedtime.
    • Why do birds fly south for the winter? It’s too far to walk.
    • What do you call a fish who’s famous? A starfish.
    • Why did the strawberry call for help? He was in a jam.
    • What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
    • The waiter asks the teddy bear, “do you want any dessert?” Teddy Bear: “No thanks. I’m stuffed.”
    • What do you call a polar bear in the jungle? Lost.
    • Which berries are the saddest? Blueberries
    • What did the orange say when it was time to choose teams? Pick me. Pick me!
    • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
    • Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize? Because it was outstanding in its field.
    • How do astronauts have a party? They plan-et.
    • Why shouldn’t you eat a clock? Because it’s so time consuming.
    • Why did the butter keep running? Because it was on a roll.
    • How do you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl. They’re all girls. Otherwise, they’d be uncles.
    • How many Apples grow on a tree? All of them.
    • Why don’t you support real poo? Because it’s better than supporting sham-poo
    • What did the sushi say to the bee? Was-a-bee!
    • Did you hear the joke about the ocean? It’s probably too deep for you.
    • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
    • When’s the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth hurty)
    • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
    • Why are tomatoes never out of a race? Because they always ketchup.
    • What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey.
    • What should you do if it’s cold? Stand in the corner...it’s 90 degrees.
    • I’ve got a secret joke about Peanut butter but I can’t tell you. Do you know why? You might spread it.
    • Why should you keep your pennies? Because it makes sense.
    • Why did the 2 melons get married in a church? Because they cantaloupe.
    • Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? It was looking for a bottom.
    • Do you want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tear-able.
    • Child says to his Dad, “did you get a haircut?”  Dad replied, “No, I had them all cut.”
    • Have you heard the joke about the cookie? Nevermind, it’s crummy.
    • What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers? Kids don’t eat broccoli.
    • What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
    • 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
    • Why can’t the Pony talk? Because it’s a little hoarse.
    • What do you call butter after you throw it in the air? A butterfly.
    • Why are all boats uncomfortable? Because something always feels fishy.
    • Why was the broom late? It overswept.
    • Did you hear why the egg lost the debate? It cracked under pressure.
    • How deep does a frog go into the water? About knee-deep, knee-deep.
    • What did the Dad buffalo say to his son when he went off to college? Bi-son.
    • What do you call ducks in a box? Quackers.
    • What do you call an elephant who cooks? Ell-if-ino.
    • Tell me if this joke’s to cheesy because I think it’s Gouda nuf.
    • Do cows have toes? No, they lack toes. (lactose)
    • How do you feel? With my fingers.
    • I’ve got an awesome cat joke….Just kitten!
    • Why was the tree bothering all the neighbors? It had too much bark.
    • What do you get for becoming a dentist? A little plaque.
    • How much does a pirate have to pay for ear piercing? A-buck-an-Ear.
    • Why was 8 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
    • What state has the best racquet sports? Tennessee!
    • Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it’d be a foot.
    • What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? Someday my prints will come.
    • Why did the frog ride the bus? Because his car got toad.
    • What do you call a dog playing in the snow? A chili dog.
    • A man walks into a bar and says, “OUCH!”
    • Why was the tomato red? Because it saw salad dressing.
    • What do oceans do when they see each other? They wave.
    • What state does the most writing? Pennsylvania.
    • How do you make an eggroll? You push it.
    • Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
    • What does a Turkey say when it’s offered seconds? No thanks, I’m stuffed.
    • Why did the boy bury his flashlight? Because his batteries died.
    • Why do bees hum? Because they don’t know the words?
    • Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut? Because he wanted to visit Pluto.
    • What do you call a man who does not have all his fingers on one hand? Normal. You should have fingers on both hands.
    • What does an invisible man drink? Evaporated milk.
    • What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time, no sea.
    • While at the beach, what did one potato chip say to the other? Shall we go for a dip?
    • Why couldn’t the sailors play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck.
    • When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.
    • What kind of cup can’t hold water? A cupcake.
    • Why did the bumble bee put honey under its pillow? It wanted to have sweet dreams.

More Riddles!

  • Q: What is the longest word in the dictionary? A: Smiles because there is a mile between each S.
  • Q: What asks questions all the time but never gets answers? A: An Owl.
  • Q: What has 4 wheels and flies? A: A garbage truck.
  • Q: I’m tall when I’m new and short when I’m old. What am I? A: A Candle.
  • Q: What has hands but cannot clap? A: A Clock.
  • Q: What is at the end of a rainbow? A: The letter W.
  • Q: What starts with the letter “t”, is filled with “t” and ends in “t”? A teapot.
  • Q: What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries? A towel.
  • Q Which weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks? A: Neither, they both weigh a pound.
  • Q: How many months have 28 days? A: All of them.
  • Q: Name 4 days of the week that start with the letter “t”? A: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow.
  • Q: What can run but can’t walk? A: A drop of water.
  • Q: How far can a dog run into the woods? A: Only halfway. After that, it runs out of the woods.
  • Q: What’s full of holes but still holds water? A: A sponge.
  • Q: Say Racecar backwards. A: Racecar backwards.
  • Q: What do the numbers 11, 69, and 88 all have in common? A: They read the same right side up and upside down.
  • Q: My name is Ruger. I live on a farm. There are 2 other dogs named Spot and Rover that live with me. What’s the name of the 3rd dog? A: Ruger.
  • Q: I am an odd number. Take away one letter and I become even. What number am I? A: Seven (take away “s” from Seven and it becomes “even’).
  • Q: What word looks the same backwards and upside down? A: SWIMS
  • Q: How can a boy fall off a 30 meter ladder and not get hurt? A: He fell off the bottom step.
  • Q: Using addition only, how do you add eight ‘8’s and get the number 100? A: 888+88+8+8+8=1000
  • Q: How do dog catchers get paid? A: By the pound.
  • Q: What never asks questions but is often answered? A: A doorbell.
  • Q: What 5 letter word becomes shorter when you add 2 letters to it? A: Short
  • Q: Imagine you’re in a room that’s filling with water. There are no windows or doors. How do you get out? A: Stop imagining.
  • Q: What two keys can’t open any door? A: A donkey and a monkey.
  • Q What invention lets you look right through a wall? A: A window.
  • Q: What word begins and ends with an E but only has one letter? A: An envelope.
  • Q: What has a neck but no head? A: A bottle.
  • Q: What letter of the alphabet has the most water? A: The “C”.
  • Q: What starts with P, ends in E and has thousands of letters in it? A: The Post Office.
  • Q: What has to be broken before you can use it? A: An egg.
  • Q: How many letters are in the English alphabet? A: 18. 3 in ‘the’, 7 in ‘English’, and 8 in ‘Alphabet.’
  • Q: Three men were in a boat. It capsized, but only 2 got their hair wet. Why? A: One was bald.
  • Q: If everyone bought a white car, what would we have? A: A white car-nation.
  • Q: When does Friday come before Thursday? A: In the dictionary.
  • Q: What ship has two mates, but no captain? A: A relation-ship.
  • Q: When is a door not a door? A: When it is a jar.
  • Q: You throw a ball as hard as you can. It comes back to you even though nothing or nobody touches it. How? A: You throw it straight up.
  • Q: Mary’s father has five daughters - Naynay, NeeNee, NyNy, and NoNo. What is the 5th daughters name? A: Mary...not NuNu.
  • Q: What occurs once a minute, twice in a moment, and never in one thousand years? A: The letter M.
  • Q: What is so delicate, that saying its name breaks it? A: Silence.
  • Q: What kind of tree can you carry in your hand? A: A palm
  • Q: If an electric train is traveling south, which way is the smoke going? A: There is no smoke. It’s an electric train.
  • Q: What is next in this sequence JFMAMJJASON... ? A: ‘D’ - The sequence is the first letter of each month.
  • Q: What goes up but never goes down? A: Your age.
  • Q: If you threw a white stone into the red sea, what would it become? A: Wet.
  • Q: What has 4 legs but cannot walk? A: A table.
  • Q: How do you make one disappear? A: Add the letter G. “Gone”
  • Q: A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first...the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird? A: None of them. You cannot get a banana from a coconut tree.
  • Q: Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? A: Incorrectly.
  • Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry? A: Because they are always stuffed.
  • Q: If two is company and three is a crowd,  what are four and five? A: 9
  • Q: What is the center of gravity? A: V.
  • Q: A lawyer, a plumber, and a hat maker were walking down the street. Who had the biggest hat? A: The one with the biggest head.
  • Q: What kind of room has no doors or windows? A: A mushroom.
  • Q: What goes up the chimney when down, but cannot go down the chimney when up? A: An umbrella
  • Q: What is put on a table but never eaten? A: A pack of cards.
  • Q: What kind of stones are never found in the ocean? A: Dry ones.
  • Q: Why is the sun so bright? A: Because it pays attention and does its homework.
  • Q: What instrument can you hear but never see? A: your voice.
  • Q: A man leaves home, turns left 3 times only to return home to 2 men wearing masks. Who are these men? A: The Catcher and the Umpire.